When tears are not enough

A couple of summers ago I attended a workshop where all of the participants were asked to stand up at various times during the evening and be identified by their gender, their religion, their marital status, their skin tone and/or their economic background etc. After a few times of participating in this exercise, I found myself increasingly irritated and angry. Why must I be known only because of these things?

Why is it required that I take a stand in the name of my economic upbringing, if in fact, on that day, at that moment, I was feeling anything other than that? Why can’t I be acknowledged and known for simply being? What if (as I truly believe to be the case) who I am, is infinitely deeper than either I or anyone else can imagine and will only be known through time, experience and a willingness to see.

What if today I want to be known by my tears and have everyone relate to me that way? What if tomorrow, I want to be identified by my longtime affinity with Forest Gump and his triple run across America? What if this morning I decide to finally acknowledge and unleash the mystery of me, thus challenging everyone around me to suspend what they know and adapt to my ever-changing newness?

These are the questions that I am faced with RIGHT at this moment. It has been these types of questions that have pushed me towards re-discovering my creative capabilities; it has become a drive resonating in my soul, seeking full expression.

For the question is NOT “what if each morning I decide to live according to the mystery of me”, the real question is “what if I don’t?” What if I’m too afraid, too tired, too heartbroken, too sad, etc, etc, etc.(blah, blah, blah) As this mystery unveils itself in stages, will I recognize it or will I be too distracted?

The answer is yes, I know what is calling me and despite the outwardly distractions, I still must act. I must continue to manifest me! Its obvious that the mystery is there (within us all), yet how many of us will ever answer the call? How many will be inspired, yet choose not to respond? Me, for one, am at a place where I either respond, consistently, or suffer the consequences of not choosing! Reading a quote that says, “its not inspiration that feeds action, it is action that feeds inspiration.” I am at that place now; the action being my pursuit to hone my artistic side and the inspiration being a “me” that can know and feel what freedom is!

An Artists' Journey...

Sometimes after completing one of my paintings, I just sit back and scream! Or cry! Or laugh! Or jump around? I swear that what manifested on the board was NOT what I did! It’s as if it took on a life of its own. It’s as if the mystery of the space or the blackness shaped my forms into something of its own. THIS EXCITES ME THE MOST!

As a self-taught, exploratory artist, my drive for creative expression has been fueled by an intense desire to live who I am beyond what is obvious (obvious even to myself). My paintings are my therapy, literally! My art is symbolic of my personal and often challenging attempt to free ME from me. “Too many minds!”

My art is a process of understanding and manifestation, realization and resolution - a journey from “this” to “that.” From oppression/determination, separation/connection, anger/passion, sadness/joy, depression/emergence, abuse/courage, addiction/freedom, dependence/security, chaos/peace, pain/healing, grief/bliss, pity/power, laziness/discipline, devotion, peace and love. This is my personal jihad!

This is a journey towards being understood and being heard, loving and having that love returned. It is a journey towards finally being seen in the reflection of life.